So, Big Brother has begun again. Despite getting cancelled by Channel 4 last year, it is back. Channel 5 brought the rights and now we are subject to yet another Celebrity addition of the show lacking in …….celebrity! It is possibly one of the worst celebrity line-ups in the shows history and I’m not exaggerating. It is as though the shows relegation to channel 5 has resulted in it’s pulling power suffering a dramatic decrease. The fact that Jedward are the biggest stars in the house says it all really.
I think that the reason I’m a little scathing over this new series is that I was expecting a bit more. It was meant to be Big Brothers new launch, the start of a glorious new era. Gone is Davina and in is Brian Dowling! Gone is George Lamb and in is Emma Willis (granted she co-presented BBLB on C4 but it was all about George)! If anything, tonights events have confirmed that the show has run it’s course, or at least the celebrity version has. The public version of the show still has mileage. In a country with a population of 60 million there must be hundreds of thousands of idiots all desperate to make fools of themselves on television. I work with a few!
What Endemol need to do is to get me involved, give me a call. I’d put them right on how to do Celeb Big Bro. Sure, it’d cost them a few bob, but I’m positive that it’s be a ratings winner!
Presenting the main show I’d have Jim Bowen. He’d conduct the interviews with the evicted housemates in the speedboat that they could’ve won. Hosting ‘Big Brothers Little Brothers Half Cousin Twice Removed On His Mothers Aunties Side’ would be David Threlfall in his Frank Gallagher guise. He’d be supported by Alice Barry as Lillian in a Shameless/BB crossover doubleact.
I’d pull out all the stops to get the perfect housemates.
1) THE STAR – Big Brother needs a truly amazing star, somebody to wow the public. It would have to be somebody that needs people to see the real them while not necersarrily needing the show to boost there ego. Therfore I give you Karl Pilkington.
2)THE MODEL – Big Brother has a history of putting in attractive women and I do think that it is a necessity to appeal to the young men out there. Therfore I think that Cheryl Cole would fit right in.
3) THE NEXT JOHN McCRIRICK – People still talk about John and that’s because he was watchable. People were desperate to see what he did next, who he upset next. That’s why Prince Phillip would be my 3rd housemate.
4) THE POPSTAR – Dane Bowers, Mark Owen, Preston, Big Brother is littered with popstars desperate to make the big time again, desperate to prove that they still have what it takes. I think that Mr Blobby is ripe for a comeback in music and Big Brother could just be his platform.
5) THE FUNNY GUY – Comedians have done well in previous years. Jack Dee won it and Barrymore came 2nd. It is perhaps strange that comedians go into the house rarely. You do need a funny guy in the house though, someone to entertain us when Prince Phillip is asleep. Ken Dodd has been known to carry his performances on for hours. He could also help Phill out in his role as the new John McCririck.
6)THE HANGER ON – Every Series has a hanger on. An ex of a film star or even a mother as in Jackie Stallone. They want to be famous in their own right and not to be seen as the partner of someone more famous than they are. She’d cost a bit but I think that Victoria Beckham would be a perfect addition to Celeb BB 2012.
7)THE FAMILIAR FACE – You know who I mean. You recognise them, yet you have no idea who they are. The name just means nothing to you but you are sure you’ve seen and heard them before. Give it up for Marcus Bentley.
8) THE CONFUSED ONE – Tara Reid is this years version, Dirk Benedict was another years version. Basically they are often from distant shores, never seen the show, haven’t a clue what it’s all about but accept the invite purely for the money. Barack Obama needs the money for the American coffers.
So there you have it, my Big Brother line-up for next year. Evictions would be via a swim across a lake of custard with the last two being put to a public vote. The loser would then be extracted from the house by a complicated cable and pulley system involving various dangerous obstacles and angry toads. They would then be locked in a box with Jedward for half an hour before being interviewed by Jim Bowen in the speed boat they could’ve won.
